It's been a long week

I hold myself in contempt quite often. I am my own BIGGEST critic. Rarely do others judge me HALF so harshly as I judge myself.

Today I got up early. I made my own breakfast- an omelet with onions. I did this to eat something healthy, I did this to NOT eat some unhealthy. I got all the kids up, dressed... day started. OTHERS did not start their day in this way. (****disclaimer- this is about my husband BUT the post is about ME***)

I wasn't that irritated at this point because amidst all the goins on, he dragged himself out of bed and got ready.

We drove to work- seemingly ON TIME today. WE stopped at a red light at an intersection with a SUBWAY- and because there was no bread to make his sandwich this morning and I would be across town all day, hubbie asked me to drop him off and go get him a sandwich. ALL THIS WAS SAID NICELY.

AND immediately anger welled up inside me. Inconvenience. Irritation. Frustration. Boiling emotions just busting to jump up from the very inner most part of my being... but I said, "yep"

But my whole body showed my affront- arms crossed, a sigh...

We got to work and we switched seats.. without the usual peck on the cheek. I quickly got inside and shut the door- willing myself to simply drive away.

We got to Subway- got his lunch and hurried back to the office to drop it off. I had Kaitlin call while we were still a minute away for him to come outside to get it... but still waited over two minutes for him to come get it.

I am telling you that rarely have I felt so many emotions pass through me in 2 minutes! ANGER, FRUSTRATION, IRRITATION, STEPPED ON, SMALL, UNIMPORTANT.

Feelings just assaulted me.

Then the guilt weighed in.

If only I was a better wife I would have had bread.
If only I was a better home maker I would have made his sandwich.
If only I was a better christian, I would have better control over my emotions and my tongue.

GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. So ashamed. SO filled every part of my being that I could hardly breathe.

I struggle with the fact that I have a day. NOT THAT HUBBIE DOESNT BUT that I do too. I have time scheduled and people that are waiting on me. I have school to teach, things to get done and prepared. I have things that need to happen in order, a certain way--- for things to work out for everyone.

HE MESSES WITH MY TIME.

But he doesn't see it. He is thinking about his day and it doesn't occur to him that maybe him not getting out of bed or asking me to do an errand might mess up my schedule... he is just going about his day.

SO THIS ANGERS me. But where the world TEACHES me that I have the right to be mad at him for this. To feel belittled or less important.

IT IS NOT TRUE.

My primary job is HIS needs, not my own or even my children's.

HIS NEEDS. In meeting those needs I will meet my own and my children's.

I am not saying he doesn't have to be thoughtful or that he doesn't have to be helpful or think of others. BUT I need to be doing my job better, if that means staying home more to get stuff done then I will HAVE to do that. If that means beans and rice to afford a second car than I will have to do that. If that means whatever... I will have to do that.

I am in control of my thoughts, emotions and my tongue.

I am the shaper of my attitude- and thus my children's towards their dad! If I treat him with contempt--- how will they respect him.

I struggle with a husband who is not always "leaderish" and he would be the first to tell you that! But our life is NOT all about who is leading or WHO is not... our life is about how we are treating each other. So leader or not... I am going to have to step it up!

I cannot use the excused it's a long week, I have too much to do, everything is on my shoulders and I have "x" many balls in the air.

NONE of that means ANYTHING WITHOUT love.

I love my husband. I want him to have a nice lunch and there are MANY, MANY days I go out of my way to make sure that he does... but today my feelings got ahead of my heart for him and that is a crying shame.