Dealing badly....

Emily was playing Lego's and took one of Matt's body pieces, Matt came in and took his part back and flicked her Lego head away.  I called him and sat him down by me and he just looked at me...finally I asked him if he had anything to say?  He said no.  I kept looking at him feeling disappointed in him.  I asked again, and he said zilch.  I asked him if he had zilch to say to me or he didn't feel he did anything wrong?  He answered that he had zilch to say, so I asked what was he going to do?  He replied that he was going to apologize to Emily and help her look for the Lego head.

I just gave him a kiss and sent him on his merry way.

This is the child whose heart I don't know about usually.  He is so guarded and has such extreme ideas and feelings.  I don't always know how hardened his heart is, how much of the seed I plant just gets crushed or how much is able to sprout down the line.

I was disappointed in him for acting that way but more for having zero repentance in his heart... but I cant always see his heart.  I want him to say the perfect thing to SATISFY me as a mother.  To make ME feel better about the job I am doing raising him.

It's is sooo not about that!  His heart must have felt immediately bad, he might have even apologized and helped her on his own had I left them alone.  But because he didn't want to have a blubber session with me or another LONG, DRAWN out talk---- he clammed up.

That is ON me!  Not him.  Somehow I am not dealing with him right.  But it is not out of stubbornness on my part or even ability... it is because I don't know how to reach him.

Sometimes that in itself breaks my heart....