Passing away.

I remember coming home from having Emily... I have been in the hospital for over 6 weeks. It was strange almost as though the house didn't belong to me anymore. I felt like I was invading someone else's space. I had a baby with me of course which I remember one of my biggest fears was coming home with no baby. I had told my mom and sister in the event something happened I wanted all baby stuff removed.. I didn't want to come home and have to be surrounded with infants stuff. I know that is horrible but in the situation I was in I wanted to be prepared. I knew that walking into my home and seeing all those baby things would take me to an even greater depth of grief than I could ever imagine...

But thankfully of course Emily was born healthy as could be.... I walked through my front door with three beautiful children. I was thankful for the infant clothes, the tiny diapers and the plethora of reminders that grace a persons home when baby makes appearance.

For Laura I cant imagine. She has been gone for weeks and when she returns she will return alone. When she went to visit Kyle a few weeks ago, she probably left the tv on, the book she was reading on the night stand.. maybe Kyle's shoes were scattered on his side of the bed for all I know. Soon when she walks into the house knowing he is gone.. I cant imagine how that will feel. You cannot erase all the reminders of a grown person... they have touched lives for 40 years. They have ensconced themselves in your very being. You have molded and become like them changing habits and things about YOU as the two of you have become ONE.

Have you noticed that.... how sometimes old married couples begin to look alike? Have you noticed that you can know a persons Ideals and thoughts on a subject but after 10 years of marriage... you might not know them anymore because their thoughts and ideals have melded into "our" thoughts and ideals. It is a strange process, I don't think becoming ONE happens at marriage... I think it begins at marriage. I think we continue on this journey after the rings are exchanged, the glasses toasted and the cake cut.

So Laura has been with Kyle for years, they have raised a teenage son, they have a dog and a cat, his car sits in the garage. Kyle has a laptop and a book shelf, a drawer in the dresser. His shampoo and razor are on the bathroom counter.. his set of keys to the house on the dresser.

How do you do that... how to you walk into the home knowing? I ache for Laura... I am overwhelmed with sadness for her because I cannot begin to imagine what on earth is going through her heart and mind. I am glad that it was not a quick death, meaning I am glad that Laura got to say goodbye. I am glad she got to hold his hand and stroke his face one last time. I am glad she got to say the things she needed to say. His will is in order, perhaps some papers are in order... he would have taken care of that going into surgery of course. But truthfully right now, that matters little. It is the emotion. The sadness. The grief. The pain. The heartache.

Psalm 103:8-17

8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,

slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

9 He will not constantly accuse us,

nor remain angry forever.

10 He does not punish us for all our sins;

he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

12 He has removed our sins as far from us

as the east is from the west.

13 The Lord is like a father to his children,

tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

14 For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust.

15 Our days on earth are like grass;

like wildflowers, we bloom and die.

16 The wind blows, and we are gone—

as though we had never been here.

17 But the love of the Lord remains forever

with those who fear him.

His salvation extends to the children’s children