Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Waiting.... waiting.

So many blog friends, and even a few in real life are waiting for something.

Waiting for God to move.

Waiting to hear.

Waiting for "x" to happen.

Waiting... I know that I have been in that place before but right now it just not that season.  We aren't waiting for anything.  We are just trudging.


trudge/trəj/Verb: Walk slowly and with heavy steps, typically because of exhaustion or harsh conditions.

I don't feel exhausted all the time now-- this is more a mental exhaustion...... I am eating fairly decently, actually way less than normal! I don't have TOO many things going on- I mean I am busy but NOT overloaded or anything.  I think I am holding some things in that I need to deal with that I am not...

never good, right?

1. church-- do we stay, do we go?  It's not like there are better ones out there.. we have looked, it is all frustrating.  I really like the Pastor.  I like a lot of the people.  I have tried to involve myself.  I am just trudging.

2. finances-- I want to live in a hovel and eat beans and rice.  {{{sigh}}}  As a rule we make plenty of money and it is truly a matter of using the money wiser.  The wants outweigh the needs here!  I want the kids to be involved in activities... but that takes cash and it dips into our extra.  I want the extra to do this, that and the other.  Do you see.....????  Yes, I know you have the same issue.  We are not out of work.  We are not destitute.  I will say that the hospital bills will hit us a little hard for a while... but it is not long term.... We just have to make some decisions and come together on some things... trudging.

3. school- my exhaustion here is not the act of doing it.. it is that I feel I am going in circles on some topics with the kids and that feels USELESS!  When does "X" sink in?  Why don't they remember something I have talked about for MONTHS?  When do I discipline and when do I share God's grace?  I am trying to involve Dave in this however he is really busy at work (number 4) and so there you have it!  So trudging-- NOT burned out, in fact I am totally gung ho on school right now I just wish some SINKING in would occur!

4. Dave's work-- he has moved positions a while ago and is working more again. There is working late, more calls, ... I feel resentful when there is no extra pay.  ;0)  Then I feel bad because like I said he has a job, a good paying job.  He likes his boss and in fact the new position moves him away from a STUPID boss and back to the boss I love-- good thing!  But still it is just wearing on me I guess..... I want him ENGAGED, plugged in while he is here and don't always get that so I feel resentful, which makes me feel needy, which makes me mad at myself because I hate being a needy person!  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.... {{{sigh}}} To be truthful he was great during the whole sickness thing and he kept much a float.  He got up and took care of me, went to work, came home and took care of things like grocery shopping or the pool or stuff with the kids.  He carried a lot of weight!  I guess my real complaint is there are not enough hours in the day! 

5. Motions feel like motions... I want to have clean clothes and don't mind doing laundry, really I don't but I also want to make time for other things so I have set up systems.  However my systems don't work if we are not here or if our days take a turn so I need to either tweak the system or be willing to get up earlier which as of right now I am NOT willing to do because I am not sleeping well..... viscous cycle-- do you see?

1 comment:

Brenda said...

1. s wants you to visit our church when he's preaching. we have some things i know you would appreciate--no classes or separation of ages--but still i know it is quite different from baptist.
2.dear me. we have to make it until sept. and i havent paid a thing in medical bills b/c too much is still in process.
3. im excited about school but still feel like we havent had a summer. yes i struggle with feeling sorry for us that we havent gone anywhere fun or had a vacation. im sorry-- i know i have nothing to complain about and should be grateful to be here at all.
4. work--i understand the resentment of no extra pay! s is on call constantly--365. and he's about to get busier and i'm afraid it will be all work all the time. vacation days this year were spent at the hospital--twice.
i feel you!!
(typed right handed thanks to baby bee)