Waiting for God to move.
Waiting to hear.
Waiting for "x" to happen.
Waiting... I know that I have been in that place before but right now it just not that season. We aren't waiting for anything. We are just trudging.
Definition:
trudge/trəj/Verb: Walk slowly and with heavy steps, typically because of exhaustion or harsh conditions.
I don't feel exhausted all the time now-- this is more a mental exhaustion...... I am eating fairly decently, actually way less than normal! I don't have TOO many things going on- I mean I am busy but NOT overloaded or anything. I think I am holding some things in that I need to deal with that I am not...
never good, right?
1. church-- do we stay, do we go? It's not like there are better ones out there.. we have looked, it is all frustrating. I really like the Pastor. I like a lot of the people. I have tried to involve myself. I am just trudging.
2. finances-- I want to live in a hovel and eat beans and rice. {{{sigh}}} As a rule we make plenty of money and it is truly a matter of using the money wiser. The wants outweigh the needs here! I want the kids to be involved in activities... but that takes cash and it dips into our extra. I want the extra to do this, that and the other. Do you see.....???? Yes, I know you have the same issue. We are not out of work. We are not destitute. I will say that the hospital bills will hit us a little hard for a while... but it is not long term.... We just have to make some decisions and come together on some things... trudging.
3. school- my exhaustion here is not the act of doing it.. it is that I feel I am going in circles on some topics with the kids and that feels USELESS! When does "X" sink in? Why don't they remember something I have talked about for MONTHS? When do I discipline and when do I share God's grace? I am trying to involve Dave in this however he is really busy at work (number 4) and so there you have it! So trudging-- NOT burned out, in fact I am totally gung ho on school right now I just wish some SINKING in would occur!
4. Dave's work-- he has moved positions a while ago and is working more again. There is working late, more calls, ... I feel resentful when there is no extra pay. ;0) Then I feel bad because like I said he has a job, a good paying job. He likes his boss and in fact the new position moves him away from a STUPID boss and back to the boss I love-- good thing! But still it is just wearing on me I guess..... I want him ENGAGED, plugged in while he is here and don't always get that so I feel resentful, which makes me feel needy, which makes me mad at myself because I hate being a needy person! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.... {{{sigh}}} To be truthful he was great during the whole sickness thing and he kept much a float. He got up and took care of me, went to work, came home and took care of things like grocery shopping or the pool or stuff with the kids. He carried a lot of weight! I guess my real complaint is there are not enough hours in the day!
5. Motions feel like motions... I want to have clean clothes and don't mind doing laundry, really I don't but I also want to make time for other things so I have set up systems. However my systems don't work if we are not here or if our days take a turn so I need to either tweak the system or be willing to get up earlier which as of right now I am NOT willing to do because I am not sleeping well..... viscous cycle-- do you see?
1 comment:
1. s wants you to visit our church when he's preaching. we have some things i know you would appreciate--no classes or separation of ages--but still i know it is quite different from baptist.
2.dear me. we have to make it until sept. and i havent paid a thing in medical bills b/c too much is still in process.
3. im excited about school but still feel like we havent had a summer. yes i struggle with feeling sorry for us that we havent gone anywhere fun or had a vacation. im sorry-- i know i have nothing to complain about and should be grateful to be here at all.
4. work--i understand the resentment of no extra pay! s is on call constantly--365. and he's about to get busier and i'm afraid it will be all work all the time. vacation days this year were spent at the hospital--twice.
i feel you!!
(typed right handed thanks to baby bee)
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