Thursday, August 30, 2012

The sounds of playing

I have a very bad memory.  I mean a very bad memory.

It doesn't affect normal every day functions.  I mean I remember appointments and passwords, I remember where things are and phone numbers, I remember (most) peoples birthdays and what to buy at the store.  I don't have a problem with all of that... but something much more personal to me.

My past.  I have a very strange way of remembering the past. 

I see it all through photographs.  I cannot for the life of me recall Kaitlin's grin or SEE Emily doing the "O" face.. in my mind.  I cannot bring those memories up, but what I can bring up is the photograph OF that memory.  This is one reason why photographs are so very, very, very important to me.  I cannot remember my own child hood except through photographs.  I remember a few things here and there, when family starts talking about something it might SPARK a memory... but a lot of times it will bring up a picture I saw of the event!  If I saw a picture of a event I am MUCH more inclined to remember that than the actual event.  I cannot conjure up in my mind what "x" event looked like.. but I can recall the whole photograph.

Does ANYONE else have this problem?  I have never encountered anyone with the same problem.

It makes me sad.  It makes me frustrated when my camera is not working or I don't have one with me.  It makes me think that later on, NO matter how important THIS was to me in this moment... without a picture it will be gone.  It will be as if it did not exist to me.

I don't remember when my kids lost their first teeth.  I don't remember what their first word was.  I don't remember the first time they rolled over... sans a photograph of it. 

But when I look at this picture or that picture, a sea of memories flood over me and I can remember how I felt... sad, glad, happy... I can remember what is going on in the area just outside the picture.  I can remember what was being said or why we took that picture.  I can remember my life!

I am not exaggerating this problem I have... this is my life.  This is how I am forced to live because I cannot find a way to unlock those memories.  I mean I assume they are in my brain- if I can conjure up what happened by the recall of a picture I have seen.. I assume that means the memories are just stored an odd way.

So anyway, connecting my sad woeful tale to my title.  Because I don't remember my kids childhood I don't remember what they were doing. I don't remember how it sounded.  I don't remember their voice or the tilt of their head as they concentrated on something... without pictures.

I know the sound of Emily being a horse.
I know the sound of Kate's drawing pencils clinking in her holder.
I know the sound of the backdoor being closed and KNOW Matt is going outside.
I know the sound  of a DS.
I know the sound of the zipper on Emily's Polly pocket bag.
I know the sounds of my children playing TODAY... what they are doing now.

But not when they were little.  I didn't capture those sounds.  I don't have a memory of it.  I was scared of losing the "picture" scene so I took lots of shots.  But I still don't have the sound.  I mean I remember a few things... mostly from family members recounting the story a bunch of times. 

Kate saying "yion" for lion.  I can hear that in my head.
Kate's feet pounding on the floor of the mobile home, at the window calling Pa's here.

But there is little else.  Just what other family members recount for me. 

So today I know what I am going to be missing... the sound of the clinking, a sea of bricks being swept aside.... looking for the perfect one.... I know that at some point that sound will be gone...I will miss the sounds of my boy playing.  But how will I remember that noise when he stops altogether.  How will I remember the years of him "loudly" looking through Lego boxes.... I wont.

 I have pictures. I know he loved Lego's, the family will say..."Oh yeah, Matt loved Legos, every Christmas and birthday.  Oh remember how bad Lego's hurt to step on...."

But how will I remember the sound?.  How will I remember smiling from the other room when I heard that sound?  How will I recall every time he proudly showed me a build or how he would call me to come see?

I wont.

I wont remember the sounds of a playing. 

This video is a little long, but in ALL seriousness... it made me tear up.  It shows HOW important photos are to people.. every day JOE'S. 

1 comment:

aneisa said...

WOW. This post shows what an amazing writer you are!

I am very sorry. I wish I had words.

Keep taking pictures....