Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dealing badly....

Emily was playing Lego's and took one of Matt's body pieces, Matt came in and took his part back and flicked her Lego head away.  I called him and sat him down by me and he just looked at me...finally I asked him if he had anything to say?  He said no.  I kept looking at him feeling disappointed in him.  I asked again, and he said zilch.  I asked him if he had zilch to say to me or he didn't feel he did anything wrong?  He answered that he had zilch to say, so I asked what was he going to do?  He replied that he was going to apologize to Emily and help her look for the Lego head.

I just gave him a kiss and sent him on his merry way.

This is the child whose heart I don't know about usually.  He is so guarded and has such extreme ideas and feelings.  I don't always know how hardened his heart is, how much of the seed I plant just gets crushed or how much is able to sprout down the line.

I was disappointed in him for acting that way but more for having zero repentance in his heart... but I cant always see his heart.  I want him to say the perfect thing to SATISFY me as a mother.  To make ME feel better about the job I am doing raising him.

It's is sooo not about that!  His heart must have felt immediately bad, he might have even apologized and helped her on his own had I left them alone.  But because he didn't want to have a blubber session with me or another LONG, DRAWN out talk---- he clammed up.

That is ON me!  Not him.  Somehow I am not dealing with him right.  But it is not out of stubbornness on my part or even ability... it is because I don't know how to reach him.

Sometimes that in itself breaks my heart....


Lisa said...

My mother's heart hears yours and understands. (I have one that I'm unsure how to reach as well.) This parenting thing is so hard sometimes.

breeannvillarreal said...

Oh Carrie,
I know how you feel, parenting can be so tough! I often feel I am not reacting, or parenting Aiden right. That I don't know how to reach him, that I jump in when he fails to react the way I want him to. But, I am learning, just like you are, hopefully one day we will figure this out to some degree.

I love you! You are doing a great job - hang in there!